Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Gaining

You know what’s funny? And I didn’t spend a lot of time analyzing this, and this didn’t come after a $145 50 minute session with a professional or anything (not that there’s anything wrong with that);. It just popped into my head last evening:
When I married Jamie, I felt like I was giving up everything.
I’m going to marry Jeffery, and I feel that I am gaining.

Before Jamie and I even got engaged, I was living in an apartment with a roommate and he was living ‘out in the country’ (60 miles away, which might as well have been Texas for our city friends) working 60 hours/week.

So then we married and I moved out there, struggled to find a job for a couple of months and finally found one that paid shit but was a lot of fun; one where I made great friends (and the pay was more than I WAS making so yeah – GO ENGLISH MAJORS).

Then he applied for a job transfer to St. Louis and I always knew we would end up here, because this is where he grew up. That’s when my panic attacks started BTW. Probably because I had already felt that I had given up so much for this man, changed so much, tried to change, rebelled and refused to change in other areas, that now I was giving up the last 5 years of my life and the city I called home and my friends who all stayed local to move into HIS comfort zone and I was very, very conscious and very uncomfortable about that.

Now…I’ve lived in my town for 12 years and in a lot of ways I feel like I just got here. But I do have ties. Church has helped; Sophie’s sports activities have helped; I HAVE made Mommy friends and can easily arrange play dates for her…and yes, I’m going to have to ‘scope out’ and ‘try out’ and ‘date’ new Mommy friends when I move to Jeff’s area, which is approx. 30min north of where I live now.

But moving 30 min away isn’t exactly moving states.

Still, with Jeff? I just feel like we’re gaining.
Sophie gaining a step-brother her own age.
Sophie gaining a step-dad who will treat her like a princess.
Me gaining a wonderfully brilliant, bright, blue-eyed (just like his Daddy) step son who I’m positive will protect Sophie like any big brother would do. One who I pledge to love unconditionally just as any parent should love any child.
Me gaining a wonderfully funny and capable and intelligent husband who treats me like a queen and who loves my daughter unconditionally.

Happiness.

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