Wednesday, September 10, 2014

I Am Mean

Last night we had a lot going on – we were celebrating Ethan’s birthday which is today – DOUBLE DIGITS!! And we had training with Kylie. Jeff picked up Sophie from school and then picked me up at my office, then we picked Ethan up at his mom’s, and went to training, which was an hour. By the time that was over, we were ALL starving. But Sophie won’t go out to eat due to her food issues. So we stopped at East Coast Pizza and Ethan and Jeff ran in to get something and Sophie and I stayed in the car with Kylie.

Sophie was already upset that day because they had a fire drill at school, and she knew it was coming and started to have a panic attack. Then the girl next to her told her to knock it off or get over it or something which only upset Sophie more. She also already had anxiety over the math worksheets she had for homework, which were division, and she said she didn’t understand it; it didn’t make sense to her.

So we didn’t get home until near 7 because I had to pick up the cookie cake I ordered for Ethan (baseball-themed of course!) and then *I* had to eat as well. She had three worksheets with 12 division problems on each sheet, which is kind of a lot. We started at 7pm. We didn’t end until after 9pm.

I figured out what the teacher wanted and how she wanted the kids to do the problems (they teach math FUNKY these days – don’t even get me started) and Sophie was getting the right answers but she has a mental block against math (as I did when I was younger) and she’s not fast enough on her multiplication facts to get the answers right away (i.e. 6 times what gets you closest to 43 without going over because the problem was 43/6) and I got frustrated and had to take a time out, then we took a break to celebrate which was the lamest birthday celebration ever because Jeff is so not into birthdays and if I hadn’t ordered the cookie cake, Ethan would have had nothing, though he did have a 30-kid party at Sky Zone that Marcy threw him this past weekend – don’t even get me started – a $530 party. FOR A TEN YEAR OLD.

So there were tears and basically she just makes it more complicated than it is. Jamie and Sophie can’t do math together because he doesn’t have the patience and it’s like me and Tom not being able to do it together. I feel like I really lost my patience with Sophie but Jeff said I didn’t, that I stuck with it.

But here is my regret: She was crying and fussing and it was a REALLY simple answer I needed her to give me and she said “stop yelling at me” even though I never actually raised my voice and then I said what I had been feeling for a long time, which is probably just about the absolute meanest thing I’ve ever said to my daughter. I said, “Please do not through another fit on Tuesday. You always throw a fit on Tuesdays and if I were Ethan I wouldn’t even want to BE here on Tuesdays.”

Well as you can imagine, that didn’t help matters anyway. And I apologized and said it was mean of me and then when we finally laid down to bed at 9:30pm (GOOD GRIEF), I was completely and totally emotionally drained and Sophie asked me, “Do you really think Ethan is going to switch his days?”

I am a mean person.

Then Sophie screamed “MOM!” this morning because she had a dream that Papa was dead.

I ALWAYS have bad days on Tuesdays – Terrible Tuesdays instead of Terrific Tuesdays – and I feel bad for Ethan because Sophie is always throwing a fit and I am always a total bitch.

Thankfully today is a new day, even though now my daughter thinks Ethan doesn’t want to be here because of HER and *I’m* the one who put that thought in her head.

At least she has something new to talk about with her therapist. (Literally)

Friday, September 05, 2014

Please Don’t Make Me Wear Ugly Shoes

So I don’t have gout which is a good thing but I do have a bunion on my left foot. And I can feel it when I walk and I love to walk and walk and walk and it’s not comfortable. My primary care referred me to a podiatrist which makes me feel like an old lady. I’m not sure if you recall, but my mom had foot surgery last October (?) for her bunion and I definitely don’t want mine to get to that point. They are hereditary so thanks Mom.

Now I have to find proper shoes because that is key. It’s funny, bunions can be caused by wearing high heels but I hardly ever wear high heels though my favorites are my pointy-toed black ones that are in dire need of replacement. And they are only like an inch and a half tall. I don’t do 3-inch heels. Apparently, pointy-toed shoes for bunions are a BIG no-no.

Right now my tennis shoes/sneakers are Sketchers. Actually, I have three pairs of sketchers but only one I wear for exercise; the others are casual. So now I need to find the best walking shoes for bunions which shouldn’t be too hard to find ones I like. The problem comes in when I have to find dress-up shoes for work. Because I do NOT like these AT ALL:

I know I’m not fashionable but even I know ugly.

Thursday, September 04, 2014

Kylie Loves Her Daddy

I have lots of stuff and stuff going on in my head and in life that I would like to get out - nothing too major - but I have no time as I'm slammed at work this week and last week I was traveling for work at company headquarters. So for now, you get Kylie's first boat ride over Labor Day weekend - she loved it!:)

And more pics of Kylie and her Daddy:

Friday, August 22, 2014

It’s Been a Loooong Week

Sophie was sick M-W so I was home with her for three days, working from home; well Jamie had her ½ day Tuesday. She’s had a nasty, nasty cold since last Friday which made the rounds through her dad’s side and on Wednesday we decided it was time for the doc, who prescribed “pink bubble gum medicine – my favorite” for a sinus infection. 24 hours later, she was pretty close to her normal self (though I’m still giving 12-hour cough medicine in addition) and happy to be back at school. Her teacher had called me Tuesday evening to check on Sophie, which I thought was very nice, and I got to meet her Thursday evening at Open House.

Anyway, Thursday I was actually looking forward to going into the office as I was going stir crazy and getting stuff done between a playful puppy and a sick kid is very difficult indeed (though Sophie did nap – and that’s how we knew she was *really* sick). But Wednesday, Kylie came down with diarrhea and vomited once so I couldn’t leave her in her crate even for 3 hours until Jeff came home from lunch. So I held her on my lap as I worked and she was suuuuper sleepy and I got scared and thought she might be dehydrated from the diarrhea considering she is only 5 pounds so I held a cup for her to drink from which she loved and made a vet appointment (she had to meet her new doc anyway) and lo and behold: she didn’t have any diarrhea all day until 5 minutes before I needed to rush out the door to get Soph from school to get to the vet appt; and then at the vet appt she acted all “Kylie” and was puppyish and energetic.

Good news is she was/is not dehydrated and the doc did give her some meds for the diarrhea (how many times can I use that word in one post???) and she is eating and drinking and all morning she was being a little stinker but I’ll tell you what – that time between 3:30am and 6am? She was an angel sleeping on Mommy.

Jeff came home at lunch for Kylie and she had pooped in her crate, probably ate it, so he took her out, cleaned it out, gave her a fresh towel AND a bath.

We went from having one dog in diapers leaking all over the house to having a puppy pee and sh*t all over the house. Jeffrey says, “I told you we’d be changing diapers and cleaning up poop!” Ha. Ha.

While all this sickness is going on, I’m having major sinus headaches and am praying I don’t get what Sophie has and then today Jeff tells me Marcy told him Ethan woke up with a sore throat. Lovely.

PLUS it is 100+ here and there has been an excessive heat warning ALL WEEK and through the weekend and into next week and the air is thick and humid and it is just GROSS. What I’m saying is, it’s not helping with the allergy situation or the cabin fever situation and is contributing greatly to the overall THIS WEEK SUCKS AND IS MISERABLE feeling.

Oh, and I think I have gout and sat in my primary care’s office for FIFTY FUCKING MINUTES and still didn’t see the doc and popped out and asked a staff person and she didn’t act like she gave a shit so I’m never going back.

So THEN. Yesterday I get a call from Tom. He leaves a looong voicemail but you know, the guy tends to ramble. I never, ever listen to my voicemail; I just call people back. So I call him back and he starts off with “Well your mom’s colonoscopy went pretty well” and I was like “HUH WHAT WAIT HUH?????” because this was the first I’d heard of it. He assured me she had no pain or issues and that it was a routine thing for her age but she was heavily sedated and no, no there is no reason to come down; she might not even know who you are because of the anesthesia that is wearing off and oh yeah by the way there were a few tiny complications so they were going to keep her overnight. It’s supposed to be an outpatient procedure. I told him, “MAKE SURE you call me if Mom has to spend the night.”

Then I was busy. Kylie’s vet appointment, open house, grocery shopping. People, I didn’t eat dinner until 8:20pm and that is COMPLETELY UNLIKE ME. (I’m like a “OMG waiting until 6pm is torture I WANT TO EAT THIS TABLE” type of girl normally).

So I didn’t call last night but I did call this morning and Tom tells me mom DID have to spend the night and then he mentions words I hadn’t heard from him before like:
ICU
Ventilator
Tube thingy that goes down a person’s throat when they are put on the ventilator (yes that’s the official term)

Apparently my mom had “complications.” Well no fucking shit. She’s 66 and has had a stroke and is overweight and on and on.
She has severe acid reflux and so she apparently coughed on the table while they were doing the procedure and some fluid got into her lungs.
So I called Tom and told him I was not happy with him AT ALL and my mom said “sorry” and I’m making Jeff deal with the kids tonight so I can go down and see her and no I am not bringing Sophie because my mom has IVs in her and the tube thing in her nose for oxygen and Sophie is still traumatized about finding my mom on the ground after her stroke (who wouldn’t be??) and “oh by the way, your mom wants to tell you something. [Pause] Oh, she wants me to tell you that she has pneumonia. Just a little bit.”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?
I am going down there to check out this situation for myself and I think you get a “little bit” of pneumonia like you get a “little bit” pregnant.

JEFF IS LIVID with Tom. This situation is ridiculous don’t even get me started I have to go pick up Sophie.

I JUST WANT ONE DAMN DAY WHERE NOBODY IS SICK.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Why Can’t Men Do Anything?

*Warning: RANT AHEAD* (don’t worry, it will be quick)

Why can’t Jamie call counselors?
Why did it take 5 weeks for Jeff to install the dishwasher?
Why is there a jungle in our backyard?
Why do *I* have to research puppy training classes?
Why do *I* have to make the first vet appointment?
Why does Marcy (Jeff’s ex) plan a vacation for next spring break NOW when Jeff had told her WEEKS ago that we would like to take Ethan on a family vacation?
Why do *I* have to plan all the vacations?


Seeking Professional Help

I need professional help in several areas:
  •  Interior decorating
  •  Landscaping
  • Money management
  • Vacation planning
  • Fashion consulting
  • Puppy training
  • Cooking
  • Organizing

In return I have no skills to offer anyone.
*BIG SIGH*

In truth though my biggest focus right now is Sophie (isn’t she always?). She had a panic attack last week – which she gets from time to time – and I held her close and she cried and it was heartbreaking. She told me, “Sometimes things get so jumbled up in my mind that then all I can do is explode and crying is the only way I can let it out.”

She was exhausted that night from soccer practice and then Ethan told her she didn’t pick up all her toys (we asked both kids to go down to the basement and pick up and Ethan was right – he did, but she didn’t) and I don’t think she liked that very much because Ethan can be competitive and I think Sophie took it as a criticism (she internalizes criticism like I do – and twists it around in her head (like I do) – i.e. “You didn’t pick up your toys so therefore you are lazy and messy, always.”) and also the next day she woke up with a sore throat and a headache so I think all of those things (getting sick+tiredness+criticism) combined into one big meltdown.

But she has been having more nightmares lately and also she’s recently become afraid of flying and she used to be a travel champ (she was in Florida with Jamie, TT and Sutton this July) and a new one cropped up: elevators.

When she was crying and I was holding her and she was hyperventilating and I was trying to show her how to breathe and calm her down and then after she finally did calm down I asked her if she was sad.
“I don’t know.”
I asked her if there was anything going on at school that she hasn’t told me about that was making her upset (school started that week – last week).
“School is not the problem.” But she couldn’t tell me what WAS the problem.
Are you worried?
“I don’t know.”
Are you scared?
“I don’t know.”

My verbal girl didn’t have any answers and I as a mother didn’t know how to help me because she couldn’t articulate. I can’t believe this came out of my mouth, but I didn’t know what else to do:
“Do you want to go talk to someone – like a professional – about your feelings?”
“Yes but then that means I’m not normal,” she wailed. Oh, the crack in my heart. I told her that it didn’t mean she wasn’t normal; that I’ve been to a counselor and so has daddy and so has Ethan and we all need a little help from time to time. That a professional could help her sort out her feelings and sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone that is not in your family.
Sophie: Why?
Me: I don’t know; sometimes it just is. I want you to be able to talk to me about anything but sometimes a professional can help you articulate what you’re feeling and work through that with you.
And then she hit me with:
Sophie: TT is the easiest person to talk to in my family. I don’t know why, she just is. She just gets it.
Right to the gut with that one. Yes I’m glad she has someone to talk to. I wish it was me.

She said she didn’t want to go to the school counselor even though she’s nice and I’m pretty sure it’s because she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want people to find out she’s going to the school counselor.

We had a three-way call between me, TT and Jamie that night to discuss. That was different…interesting. TT and Jamie did actually – believe it or not – try to make me feel better about Sophie saying TT is the easiest person to talk to – Jamie said, “Well, she plays the ‘big sister’ card. I’m always the one who comes down with the hammer.”

Sophie asked me how I would find someone for her to talk to and I told her I would call her pediatrician to get recommendations. And every day since she’s asked me if I’ve found someone yet.

I did find some people – the pedia gave me two that specialize in anxiety in children (because that’s what we need) – but one is out of network and the other is only taking appointments from 9am to 2pm. Ugh, she’s in school and I’m not taking her out for this. So that’s not going to work. (She’s in school from 9am-4pm which is really annoying on all kinds of levels, that’s it’s so late). To complicate matters, she’s under TT’s insurance (bc it’s better than Jamie’s and they pay for it so that saves me) so I can’t really look anything up; Jamie sent me a link and a list yesterday for counselors near him. HA! I told him, “Do another search for those near ME, unless you plan on taking her every Wednesday.” So he did but the search site SUCKS and I don’t think all of those really specialize in childhood anxiety so that means a bunch of places to call when I’ve already been on the phone the past two days calling and waiting for return calls.

I told Jamie I would like HIM to call some people but we know that’s not going to happen and it’s up to me – GRRR.

Fourth Grade!

Where has the time gone??!

She was not entirely in the mood for posing.



Wednesday, August 13, 2014

I Blame the Super Moon

I am going to blame the super moon for my current bloating, anxiety, sadness and overall crankiness. Also for the fact that I feel as if I got NO sleep last night – I am dragging today; my mind is foggy and taking a looong time to wake up. It’s not *entirely* the moon’s fault; Jeffrey is feeling it as well as he literally bitched at me for having an apple core on “his” outside table – an apple I was IN THE PROCESS OF EATING WTF. Can men PMS?

Also I think I have MORE anxiety over this fourth grade school year than either Sophie or Ethan. Yes, the kids started school this week – I cannot fucking believe I have two fourth graders – where has the time gone??? Yes I know for you east coasters it is WAY early to you, but we go on an August to May schedule here, instead of Sept-June. Though this school year I think may very well be the earliest we’ve ever started back.

When we went to do “meet the teacher” and Sophie’s supply drop off last week, she was sad and upset that she only had two friends in her class. Until Ethan and several of her BFFs said they also only had two friends in their classes. Then she got excited. Remember, she still doesn’t know a whole lot of people here since last year was her first year in the school and all of her sports activities are done with the Catholic church which we don’t even go to, and those kids go to the Catholic school. Her elementary school doesn’t offer sports at this age so…I mean, they have PE but not soccer teams, basketball teams, etc.

Her dad & I had to switch days this week because he’s traveling for work so I took Sophie to school yesterday and she wouldn’t even let me take a picture of her under the balloon arch the school puts up every year at the entryway. In fact, this was the best I got:

Yesterday *I* had to call *her* 40 minutes after school got out to see how her day went – even though she PROMISED to call me RIGHT AFTER. I didn’t get much from her AT ALL. I got more from Ethan that night which is surprising, but it’s probably because I kept firing questions at him during dinner.

Last night I was bored and didn’t feel like reading so decided to give myself anxiety by looking back to my files from 2010 when we took Sophie to occupational therapy for her eating issues. I kept a food journal FOR MONTHS and guess what I discovered? She LITERALLY has not added a new food to her repertoire in the past four years. This is my biggest parenting fail, by far. I found a really good blog by a woman who has a son with food aversion – a term my cousin Kim told me about – which is what I think Sophie has – it goes way, way beyond picky eating. I don’t have the energy to get into all of it now, but just trust me. Anyway, the blog has some resources that I need to check out, and I’ve already added one of the recommended books to my Amazon cart. (And NO, books on regular picky eating kids WILL NOT HELP. Your definition of picky eating would be my child eating like a total champ; it would be my version of her eating anything and everything).

What else?
I will try to end on a good note:
Kylie likes to playJ (Jeff says this 1,000 times a day, and now Sophie does too. I have some cute videos of Kylie playing that I haven’t uploaded yet. Most of my pictures of her are her sleeping because that is the only time she is still!).
Even better:
My cousin Jessica had a baby girl on one of my BFF’s birthdays, August 5th. Her name is Luna Rae and she is adorable, with a full head of hair. 

Jess lives in CT and I would love to meet Luna and hold her but I am already booked with travel for the year so my next option would be Jan/Feb. Ugh, winter.