Monday, December 05, 2016

A Case of the Mondays

Because I’m an idiot, I dropped my iphone in the toilet this morning. I had no rice in the house and tried to put it in a box of pasta and then the box fell apart and penne noodles spilled out all over the table and floor and then I yelled “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?” and then I woke my husband up with my temper tantrum, scared the dog who has a hurt foot, and my 12-year old daughter came out, grabbed the broom from me and told me to go take a walk.

So I did. And I went to the little forest area around the corner with my coffee and cigarettes and I sat down and cried.

I can’t seem to get a handle on my emotions these days.

Sophie is exhibiting some increased OCD ticks and it’s my genes to blame. She has all of my worst traits – OCD, anxiety, eating/food issues, perfectionism, worry-wart, etc. Not to mention that she’s clearly growing up in a dysfunctional home witnessing her mother throwing temper tantrums because life just isn’t going her way that moment.

I suck.
I’m an idiot.
I’m ready for a mid-life crisis.

I don’t like myself and I don’t like my life and nothing is turning out the way I thought it would or how I wanted it and I can’t fix it, nobody can.

I am thankful for the few people in this world who DO love me unconditionally.

Sunday, December 04, 2016


So after coming home from Portland, I wrote out "instructions for when I'm gone" which listed which songs I wanted played at my funeral and who could be in charge of my digital footprint, the flowers, the artsy/craftsy element. But I think you know what, just fuck it. 
Nobody will come anyway. 
Just throw my body in a lake and weigh me down. 

This is what happens to my mood when I have allergies so bad I can't work out in three days. 

409 friends on Facebook and not a single fucking friend to call when I miss my best friend so bad I just want to crawl into a deep, dark hole and cry. 


Tuesday, November 08, 2016

Grief Through Music

Here are some of the songs I have been listening to lately. Well, basically every day. I get up early and I let the dog out and I have my coffee out on the back deck and I look at the sky and I watch these videos and I “talk to God.” And to Summar.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Beyond a Shadow of a Doubt…

I can tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that when someone passes, pain is pain – it does not matter if you knew it was going to happen, if you knew it was coming, or if it happens suddenly.

Summar passed on Friday afternoon, October 28th. I was shocked at how painful it was to hear the news, given that she had been on hospice for nearly six weeks and I knew that awful, awful call was coming. It didn’t matter one single bit that I knew it was coming; the pain and the hurt didn’t care one iota. I STILL wasn’t prepared. The pain was PHYSICAL for me. I felt as if my guts were being ripped out from my being.

And on Saturday morning, when I woke up early to let the dog out, for a millisecond I forgot. I forgot that Summar was no longer here on Earth, with us. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I sobbed and sobbed on the back deck. It was awful. It was like hearing the news all over again. That is not a day I want to repeat.

My Heart Hurts. My Heart is Broken.

Summar Breeze Ruelle with Pascal Ruelle.
October 28 at 8:40pm · Beaverton, OR ·
Today's update is one I never wanted to make. Summar Breeze took her last breath and is finally at peace and pain free. She is loved by so many and will truly be missed. There's so much more I want to write but have no words as the Love of my Life and mother of our two amazing children was taken to soon. A Celebration of Life date will be shared soon

Pascal Ruelle

Monday, October 24, 2016

Sweet Sophie

Sophie has been her usual sweet self through this time. Sorry I haven’t written. I just…well, I’ve written, but privately. On Tuesday, I had the opportunity to speak with Pascal, Nancy and even Summar. But I want to keep the conversation private. I was grateful for the opportunity but I spent the rest of the day in tears, because it made everything more real, you know? Not that they are EVER off my mind. No, not for one second. I have been throwing myself into work; I am a task master and I am thankful for the distraction. But then I get up to go get some coffee or something and I think of something Summar said to me and I get tears in my eyes. Or, I’ll be driving around fine, jamming to some tunes, and then all of the sudden, it hits me again and I well up.

I have been thinking a lot about death and dying and heaven and angels and whether loved ones can come back after they die – or even just before they die – to give you a message; to visit you. And I think it’s very selfish of me that I want Summar to be able to visit me from Heaven after she gets there, just because it will make ME feel better. It’s selfish but I still want it very, very badly. If you have any stories like this, please share them with me. Or books you would recommend about it. My (deceased) grandma came to me once in my dreams and I think I’ve written about it before but I will tell you again if you’d like to hear it.

Anyway, Tuesday I was INCONSOLABLE. I was working from home and when Sophie and Grandma Sue walked through the door (she tutors once a week), Sophie immediately asked me, “Mommy, what’s wrong?” Because my eyes were all red and puffy from crying all afternoon, and she noticed right away. And I just told her that I had talked to Pascal and Nancy and even Summar and I told her what Summar said to me and I told her that I was so glad to talk to all of them but that it also made me sad. I think they call this “anticipatory grief.” And I even went to lay down and nap but all I could do was cry, cry, cry. And when I got up, Sophie said, “Mommy, I am so sad that you are sad and I want to make you feel better but I just don’t know what to do.” And it was just so sweet and thoughtful how she said it. I told her to just give me a hug; I really like hugs.

She’s been asking questions and I’ve been answering honestly, while also not giving too many details. For instance, at first Sophie did not understand that Summar going on hospice meant that she would no longer be under treatment, and that her Cancer would just do what it is doing, without any intervention to stop it or stall it or calm it. She knows that Summar will go to heaven soon. She, like all of us, feels sad for Pascal but also especially Jayden (age 9) and Sapphire (age 7). Sophie asked me to text Pascal and relay this simple message to Summar: “Summar, I love you. From, Sophie.” And so I did.

Thursday, October 06, 2016

Friends Forever

Summar made this for me when we were in High School. Then Tom got it framed for me as a gift. I'm going to hang it up again.

It came true. We ARE friends forever.

Monday, October 03, 2016

I Want to Remember…

I left Portland very early in the morning on Friday, September 30th. I caught a ride to the airport with Summar’s dad, even though my flight was later. So, even though I did get to give Summar a hug and a kiss on Friday morning (at 4:30am!!), our real goodbye was Thursday night and not surprisingly I dissolved into tears.

You know what really got me?! Summar thanked me for being her best friend.
“Thank you for being my best friend,” she said to me as we hugged.
I still get choked up thinking about it.
SHE thanked ME.
Oh God.
And now I’m crying again and there is a giant lump in my throat.
Okay, I’m back.
Having Summar in my life has been one of my biggest blessings. I love her like a sister; I feel our souls are connected. She has stood by me through thick and thin, for the past 30 years. That’s a long time folks. We grew up together. She’s been there for me through each milestone of my life, and has supported and encouraged me every step along the way.

She stood by me when I was being bullied in 6th and 7th grade. She listened to me gush about my main crush for THREE years in High School. We even spent an entire summer double-dating, between freshman and sophomore year (I dated her boyfriend’s best friend). She came to my college graduation and helped talk my mom off a ledge when she found out I hadn’t packed a single damn thing and had instead spent the last week of school getting drunk. Summar stood up for me as a bridesmaid at my first wedding and danced all night long, broken foot and all. Summar flew to St. Louis after I had Sophie and held her and held her and I knew she would make a wonderful, devoted mother (and she’s proven me right). Summar listened to me bitch and moan about Jamie and TT endlessly and never once told me to “get over it” or “let it go.” Summar was joyfully excited for me when I met Jeff and she basically saved our wedding by running back to get the rings when Ethan forgot them!

These are just the things that popped into my head right now – one paragraph does not even come close to describing a life-long friendship.


Oh man. I thought I had dry eye – I was told I had severe dry eye and I couldn’t produce tears. Well let me tell you, I produced more tears this week than I ever have before. And my sadness remains and one moment I’ll be fine and then next I’ll think of Summar and Pascal and the kids – those beautiful kids who I would jump in front of a train for – and my heart breaks for what they are all going through now, and for what is to come.

Other than my parents and Sophie, and Jeff & Ethan, Summar is the most important person in my life. At least I had the chance to tell her that.

I’m sorry. There is more I want to say, but maybe for another day. I’m not very eloquent right now.

If you are so inclined, please keep Summar, Pascal, Jayden & Sapphire in your prayers. They need them now more than ever. Plus Summar’s mom, Summar’s dad, and Summar’s brother.

When You Want to be Two Places at Once…

Leaving Portland this time around was the hardest it’s ever been.