Friday Can’t Come Soon Enough

People, I have been CRANKY.

This week at work has been hell. Actually, 99% of my crankiness is due to work. The big bosses were in discussing finances, and that makes us all nervous because we aren’t selling and also The Big Boss has this lovely habit of laying people off right before Christmas (as in the week before. Has happened every year for the past three). Merry Fucking Christmas, I know. Then something else happened that, in the Big Scheme of Things, is relatively minor, but I can’t talk about it here because it’s work and it’s too convoluted to try and discuss without the (necessary) significant details, so there you go—I just gave you NOTHING. You’re welcome and Merry Fucking Christmas.

You know what else is making me cranky? The fact that my stomach HATES me right now and I’ve been popping Tums like candy for the past two days to no avail.

Know what else is making me cranky? The fact that work has been driving me to drink (see above) and wine makes me oh so happy but does not make my stomach happy (see above) and definitely does not make my scale happy (No exhibit for that, thank you).

Know what else is making me cranky? I told my parents the story – the convoluted one about work that I’m not going to discuss here – this evening at dinner and what I heard from them (though they did not use these words, but it was the message I, in all my CRANKINESS, received) was: Suck it up. That’s how your company is run. Get over it.
That was from my step-dad.
From my mom, I got her typical, “I’m going to take the other side.” And she went on and on about how “maybe that’s not what they really meant, blah blah blah.” She NEVER takes my side. So you know why all that made me cranky? LACK OF EMPATHY. I just wanted them to say, “Yes, Farrell, you are right. That SUCKS. They are imbeciles. Clearly you should be getting paid 10 million dollars a year and they should be crowning you Queen of Company.” Okay, well, maybe they wouldn’t have to go that far.

Know what else is making me cranky? Sophie threw a fit at that meal. Do you know why? Because she wasn’t the center of attention. And THAT made me even MORE cranky because I WANTED TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION!!!

Know what else is making me cranky? This fucking weather. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s “winter,” but OMIG the rain! And the complete and total darkness at 5:05pm! Especially with the rain because the clouds leave no room for the moon shine or the stars. And it feels like midnight! And I’ve already exhausted myself and probably given myself an ulcer from being paranoid about work and What Might Happen and Changes OMIG MORE CHANGES (esp. when I don’t know if they are Good or Bad) and I’m driving home and it feels like MIDNIGHT but I still have to gather child, feed her, feed animals, Take Care of Things and you know, in general, Be a Grown Up. That makes me VERY cranky indeed.

Also, I have a zit.
In addition, because work has been driving me to drink and my stomach is bloated I am not certain my pants will fit in the morning.
Also, it’s possible I could have shrunk my favorite (and 1 of 3) going out shirts.
Also, I borrowed some shirts from a co-worker for my San Antonio thing and I do not know what the HELL happened because they had been washed before but now they have bleach spots and UGH. How embarrassing. I mean, I’ve only been doing POUNDS of laundry EVERY WEEK for how many fucking years now? And I STILL can’t get it right??

Well, enough of that I (you) say. If you’re still reading, here are some things that are NOT making me cranky:
--Chloë curled up on Sophie’s couch with her head on Sophie’s “B” (blanket)
--I’m going to Vancouver on Friday and I am going to PARTAY! (but I don’t know what the HELL I am going to wear to go “clubbing” (?!?) due to the wine and bloated tummy and shrunk shirt.
Oh, wait, this is the positive section. I forgot.)
Okay, what else? Oh, I know!
--I am off all next week! And then it’s Thanksgiving!!! And Thanksgiving = PUMPKIN PIE! And I wait ALL DAMN YEAR to eat pumpkin pie!!! (and then Scale will make me CRANKY after eating pumpkin pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a week straight. But it’s worth it! [I think]).
Um, yeah. That’s all I’ve got.

What’s making you cranky and/or NOT cranky this week?

Kids’ Picks

Sophie is hooked—HOOKED I tell you—on the Junie B. Jones books. Someone on her Dad’s side of the family introduced this wacky, silly, entertaining series (by Barbara Park) and Sophie has read them so much that she is even starting to use some of Junie B. Jones’ quirky phrases like, “On the account of…”

In case you aren’t familiar, Junie B. Jones is a kindergartner and her stories center around typical kindergarten woes – losing her favorite pair of mittens; not being invited to “that Jim’s” birthday party; that sort of thing.

But this girl? Let me tell you. She is quirky and strong and funny. Sometimes she speaks like an adult, or says something a typical kindergartner wouldn’t say, such as “my attractive winter jacket.” She reminds us, however, that she’s still five and often messes up her tenses and what not (i.e. “stoled” for “stole” or “runned” for “ran”—which is the only thing about these books I don’t like). I’m 32 years old and I truly enjoy reading this series aloud to my five year-old daughter. They almost remind me of what I can recall at this point of Ramona Quimby.

Sophie doesn’t even seem to mind that there is not a picture on every page, as these are chapter books. But what’s great is that you can read a chapter while, say, eating a snack. Then another chapter while on the toilet (the child, not you…unless nothing else is available, I guess). Then another chapter while brushing teeth…The point is, it seems easier to get a whole more reading in this way, and Sophie begs me to “read some Junie B.!” every spare moment we have, which I think is fantabulous! (my new favorite made up word, not Junie B.’s). And I think these books are great for boys or girls.

While most of the reviews on Amazon are positive, some parents and teachers are appalled that second graders are encouraged to read these books on their own, as they contain “poor sentence structure that permits a sentence to begin with ‘Cause’ and end with a dangling participle.” And I admit, as an English person, the errors bother me (I say this knowing full well this post is sprinkled with errors of its own). And Sophie, along with many of her classmates/friends, use better grammar than Junie B. But do you know what I say? If you have a reluctant reader on your hands, Junie B. may be just the thing to turn him or her around.

The Job of a Mother

Me: Are you brushing good?
Sophie [brushing teeth, still watching Mamma Mia]: I'm trying, Mommy. But I'm just not as good as a brusher as you are. How did you get to be such a good brusher?
Me: I've had a lot of practice, Sophie.
Sophie: Mommy, can you teach me how all the things that you practiced the same way that you practiced, so that I learn everything you learned?
Me [nodding]: I will do my best, love.

Guilt

I feel guilty because it rained and I didn't get to the office until 9:15 and walked in with two of my pseudo bosses. I stayed until 4:55 and got to Sophie by 6.

Then I feel guilty because Sophie wanted to watch Mamma Mia and I let her so I could set up my laptop and do more work.

Then I feel guilty because all I want after this long, rainy, dark as midnight Monday is a glass of wine, so I do.

And in the end?

Mamma Mia puts me in a good mood, and I got some work done, and I had some wine, and Sophie is happy because she is dancing and singing, and I am happy watching her.

Hope

I’m having a fantabulous* time in San Antonio; the day is slow but last night we sat outside on the Riverwalk, eating the most delicious Italian meal I’ve ever had (stuffed chicken breast with spinach, cream sauce, veggies and mashed potatoes), drinking some yummy Merlot (which you can get at the store for less than $10 but we had to pay $26) and having good conversation, telling silly stories, etc.

So the two co-workers I’m with are in their mid to late 40s and of course at first I felt that Hope thought I was a young bunny just out of college or something; some dumb chick. I don’t know that she *really* thought I was dumb, or how young she actually took me to be at first glance, but I felt like she thought she was worldly (she is) and I was not (I think I am, in some respects). Of course, I always tend to think people don’t like me when actually they do.

And now! Now, after smoking together and talking together about love and my divorce and her recent marriage (1 year, met on eHarmony), I feel like she *does* respect me and is also kind of Mommy to me which I find great comfort in. She told me to “leave the door cracked; you never know what might slip in,” re: love. Hope does not want me to give up hope of finding love again one day (even though I’m not currently looking). She says I’m too young for that.

Me: Hope, I don’t even have a door *to* crack. I have a high stone castle tower, a moat and alligators.
Hope [laughing]: Well, I would definitely get rid of the alligators.
Then she told me that any man who is worth it would be willing to swim through the moat (as long as the alligators are long gone). I’m not so sure though. *I* certainly don’t think I would invest that much time and energy swimming through a moat to get to some guy, and I am not under any delusions that somehow I am “worthy” enough of all that.

Anyway, didn’t mean to get so “deep” on you – last night, after sharing two bottles of wine, it seemed like she gave me life-altering advice, when in reality, she just re-affirmed all that I’ve already heard; all that I already know (but am not willing or ready to do, maybe?). Though that doesn’t make me any less glad the conversation occurred; after all, sometimes—often times, you need to hear such things over and over and over until finally, you can let your guard down and…

hope.

* My new favorite word, BTW.

Prude

So I knew I was going to get crap from this.

My mom introduced Sophie to the movie "Mamma Mia" and Sophie has been obsessed with it ever since. I downloaded the soundtrack (original ABBA songs, not Pierce wrecking everything) off iTunes and made a CD. We have listened to that CD non-stop approximately 8 bazillion times. But Sophie loves the beat, and we put it on at home and do a dance party. She will even grab her princess journal and act out the part to the "Honey, Honey" song (her fav. Also, I tried to record her doing this, but she didn't want me to. It's too cute not to share though, so I WILL try again).

We were over at Grandma and Grandpa's the other night, and they let us take the movie home. I put it in her backpack for her to take to her Daddy's, as Mommy is currently traveling for work in San Antonio (the weather here right now can't be beat!)

I kind of had the feeling when I put it in the bag, "He's going to kill me." But I did it anyway, because Sophie just loves the songs and the dancing. I also thought it would be fun to "torture" Jamie a bit by forcing him to watch a musical.

I got a call last night. Jamie starts by saying, "I don't want to be a prude, but..." and went off on how the movie isn't appropriate, blah blah blah. Okay, it IS rated PG-13, I get that, but it shows NOTHING. I think there are like two kisses in the entire movie, and with the exception of one part, where the friend puts something between her legs to look like a boy in the middle of a song for like two milliseconds, it is completely cheezy and completely innocent. And when Sophie asked, "Why did she do that?" My parents and I just said, "Oh, she was just being silly."

Anyway, is it the movie that I would have picked for Sophie? No. But I left her with Grandma one day while I ran to Target and when I came back, they were watching it and she has been obsessed with it ever since. She doesn't understand the sexual innuendos of it, anyway.

I guess I just find it ironic that the man who is completely and totally immoral, the one who has had his girlfriend (yes now fiancee) living with him for years, sharing a bed together, and Sophie knows this and sees it; the one who first introduced Soph to painted nails and Miley Cyrus and "shake your bootie;" the one (okay, it's the finacee) who plays "Put a Ring on It" or whatever that song is; they play Gwen Stephani and hip-hop in the car with Sophie; has a problem with fucking Mamma Mia.

None of the above is wrong, IMO. I mean, Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana is pretty innocent; painting nails and playing with make-up is fine; listening to something OTHER than Barney in the car is also fine, but I just find it interesting that THIS is the battle he chose to fight last night.

Where did THAT come from? (Also: Sound of My Heart Breaking)

This evening, lying (laying?) in bed, in the middle of Amelia Bedelia, there’s this:
Sophie: Are you going to give me away to another Mommy?

WHAT??! I have no idea where that came from and when I asked, I just received a shrug and a “I dunno,” tween style. Is it because I’m leaving for a three-day business trip (San Antonio!) and she is scared I won’t come back for her? I’ve gone on business trips before; she’ll be with her dad…and I’ve never heard this. OMIG I wanted to smother her with kisses all night long. Is it something about the impending wedding? Is she scared that TT is going to be her mom now and I won’t be? No, I really don’t think that’s it. Ugh. Jeez Louise. Naturally, I told her all of the “right” things, which luckily, also happen to be the things that are true: that she will ALWAYS be my Sophie, my #1, and that I will ALWAYS be her Mommy, no matter what, that NOBODY is going to take her away from me, and that I would never EVER let them, and that I would never EVER leave her.

PANIC ATTACK.

Kids. They cut right through you sometimes, you know?

Boredom

I’m bored, so this post is going to be filled with random crap. I shouldn’t be bored. I mean, I have stuff to do: put away laundry, go through mail…but that’s not fun. And I’m bored because I’m not in the middle of a good book right now. And Soph played way hard yesterday – she and her friend Ellie must have jumped on the trampoline FOR HOURS, and she played all day at school so tonight all she wants to do is watch Alvin & the Chipmunks. Which is A-Okay by me because it means I’m farting around on the computer drinking a glass of wine.

Tomorrow we are taking the day off because I leave Wednesday for San Antonio – for a work trade show. I am excited because:
1 – I get out of the office
2 – I get a free trip to a cool city
I hope the people I’m going with, who work for other divisions so I’ve never met them, are cool and want to go out (they are in their mid 40s), because it would be nice to have company. But otherwise, I will just go out by myself and who knows; I may end up meeting another group of hot firefighters!
***
Sophie just stopped her movie to eat and had me read Amelia Bedelia.
Now she’s hanging on me.
***
Yesterday, with her friend Ellie, Ellie blurts out “I’ve got junk in my trunk!” I laughed so hard. It’s totally inappropriate, but she doesn’t know it and it really made my day.
***
On the way home from work, I called my mom, and then spoke briefly with my step-dad. I asked Sophie if she wanted to say hi to Papa Ryan, and she shook her head, then said, “Oh, okay.” So I pass the phone back.
Sophie: Oh, hello! Who’s this?
…
Sophie: How was your day today?
…
Sophie: Oh, are you done talking?
…
Sophie: I love you too.
***
God, this is about as boring as I feel. You know what I feel like? I feel like I’m on the brink of something, but I don’t know what it is. I am filled with excited anticipation, and I’m not entirely sure why. I hope whatever anxious excitement I feel really does end up being good and not the other way around.