Aging Parents=Motivation

I think one of the hardest things is to watch your parents age.

Or perhaps your parents are young but a disease or condition makes them look/act/behave older than their years (I can tell you that my mom has aged greatly since her stroke two years ago).

Or perhaps you’ve already lost one or more of your parents and you want to tell me to shut up and stop complaining about them because at least they are still here on this Earth. I recognize that feeling but I am still going to say my peace because it’s my blog.

I LOVE my parents. Sophie LOVES my parents. My parents are AWESOME and have done so much for me and Sophie. They gave up their ENTIRE LIVES to be here in the Midwest with us. And I can’t imagine my life without them though I know one day that will become my reality. Sophie, too, feels the same way: “I just can’t imagine what we’d do without Grandma and Papa!”

Sophie, me and my mom looking at the "Grandma" artwork and gift Sophie made for Mother's Day. Papa tried but is not the best photographer...

We don’t see them enough. Not nearly enough. They live 20 minutes away and Papa still works, most nights until 6pm, and Grandma doesn’t drive, and Papa’s commute is a lengthy one like mine. Therefore, it is hard for them to get to Sophie’s baseball games at 6pm and her play that lasts 20 minutes at 5:30pm…hell, it’s hard for ME to get us to those things and I am forced to work from home those days and it’s STILL hard to get fed, get dressed, get ready for such events. So usually, we only see them on Sundays when I have Sophie which equates to twice a month.

They gave up their lives to be close to us and we only see them twice a month. It makes me feel sad and guilty. But then I think of people who live down the street or in the same town from their parents and I wonder how often they see them – between Kid A running here and Kid B running there and Mom arranging carpool for Kid C’s cheerleading team and Dad getting to the office at 5:30am to be there for quirt’s soccer game at 5pm (or vice versa) – do the Grandparents come to every kid’s event? What if they have other grandchildren too? Also, I know this is totally, completely subjective as some people aren’t close to their parents at all. Or maybe you are but the Grandparents just don’t go to their grandchildren’s events because they have too many and they would be running around like crazy and they are old and retired and want to relax. Or maybe it’s just not their thing; it’s not what they do.

It’s also hard to hang out with my parents because my mom’s balance has decreased and walking can be difficult for her at times and impossible at others. I don’t know if I wrote about this or not but one day Sophie and I went with my mom to the mall and my mom was having issues with her leg and when I offered a wheelchair, she said yes and it freaked out Sophie. And so now Sophie refuses to go to the mall with Grandma because she’s scared my mom will end up in a wheelchair again. And as I was explaining this to then my co-worker Karla the other day, she said “Well I do understand Sophie’s hesitation and fear, but I think you also have to explain to her that lots of people in wheelchairs still get out and do things and live very happy, healthy and productive lives. And the truth of the matter is, that your mom IS aging, and her stroke HAS changed her physical abilities…” she said this all in a very kind way and I thought she had a good point.

Anyway, my original point was that it’s hard to find things to do with Grandma and Grandpa. We can’t go to the zoo or the botanical gardens or things like that because it’s too much walking for my mom. Not to mention that my step-dad can walk just fine, though he is slow, but I have never seen him do a lick of exercise once in his life. Honestly, he’s really lucky he looks so young and IS as healthy as he is (he turns 79 this July; my mom, 65 this August). My mom refuses to swim because she wears a wig and can’t get her hair wet and refuses to wear a bathing suit cap. Yet there are many summer days here in St. Louis that hit the 100 mark so hanging out by the pool while we swim is not always an option (even in the shade, even putting her feet in; there is only so much heat one can take unless one is fully submerged in water). Papa swims though and enjoys doing that with me and Sophie.

I worry about my mom because she just sits all day. She putters around the house. She doesn’t walk on her own because she’s scared of falling (a valid concern). Of course, I sit all day for work also as I’m tied to a computer. But I can pop out of my chair and refill my water bottle and race across the office to grab a cup of coffee…obviously, it’s a lot easier for me to get up and down than it is for my mom. And one day I will reach the age where it won’t be easy for me to get up and down.

I did suggest that my mom get a cane and Sophie chimed in with “They have some really pretty ones at Walgreens I saw last time I was there – I’d be glad to get you one, Grandma.” God that girl is so sweet. Waiting on Grandma – telling her to sit, I’ll get you fresh ice. Sit, I’ll grab your soda. Hold my hand, Grandma. Mommy, slow down and wait for us!

But I doubt my mom will get a cane. She’s too stubborn, too prideful. One day she might not have a choice. I would think she would want one to help her get around more efficiently.

There is really no point to this story; it’s just that being around them I was reflecting on my own mortality, and it’s also this book that I’m reading that I’m really enjoying but it too has me reflecting on my own mortality. It’s uncomfortable, to say the least.

I want to be healthy for my kids. For my grandkids. I want to be able to play soccer with them and jump around and swim and chase them. I won’t have as much energy as I do today. It already takes me a pot of coffee to get going in the morning – how will my intestines deal with more??

It wasn’t my mom’s fault she had a stroke. She didn’t plan this; didn’t want this to happen. Papa and I are convinced it was the stress of her job that pushed her system over the edge. We are not exaggerating. Pre-stroke, my mom would walk with a co-worker every day. She ate right. She was overweight, technically obese according to the BMI chart but then again so am I and I fucking hate that chart. (I wear a size 8 in pants and I’m—okay, wait. I’m not ‘obese’, I’m ‘overweight.’ So I guess size 8 is overweight. I guess I need to be a ‘6.’). (yeah yeah I know it’s not the size, it’s how much fat you have on your body).

Anyway, seeing all of this and thinking about all of this DID push me out of bed at 5am. It took me a while to get going; took beyond the 30 minutes I had planned to get going, but the point is I got up, I moved, I sweat. I got stinky (STINKY!). I only burned 220 fucking calories which is shit, especially because I want to have wine tonight. But that’s 220 calories more than I burned last Monday so there is that.

Last night as Sophie and I lay in bed saying our prayers, she ended with: “I just want us to be happy, healthy, safe, and live a long life. Is that too much to ask? That’s…(counting on fingers)…four things. Only four things. No, seriously, I’m asking: Is that too much to ask?”

Is it?

I Only Have So Much Sympathy

Do you have or have you ever had that friend who asks you for advice but never takes it? Like, over and over and over again? It’s frustrating, right? Well right now, Sophie is “that friend.”

I know this is TMI but she’s been constipated for nearly two weeks. Because she eats like crap. I know, I’m her mother, it’s my job to make sure she gets the nutrition she needs but I learned a hard lesson a long long time ago with Miss Stubborn, and that is you cannot force this child to eat. She WILL starve herself.

She missed like two days of school last week due to a virus and constipation. The combo was not good. This morning after her fit and her complaining about needing to throw up, I chalked it up to her getting herself hysterical and sent her on her way. At about 10:30am, the nurse called to say Sophie was in her office complaining of a tummy ache. I told her to eat her peaches at lunch and see how that goes (she never eats her peaches, or eats like three. I mean three teeny tiny bites in those Dole cups). The nurse agreed as she wasn’t doubled over in pain or anything like that.

At 1:30ish I get the second call from the nurse. Sophie WAS doubled over in pain in class, with tears in her eyes. She does have a flair for the dramatic (*ahem*) but I agreed to go pick her up. By the time I got there, she was fine. I did call the pedia as Jamie took her last week and they did an x-ray on her tummy and discovered that no shit (pun intended) she’s constipated. I wasn’t concerned about appendicitis as her pain was on her left side and she would be screaming and the nurse would have told me to meet Sophie at the ER. By the time I got to her, she was subdued but walking fine, etc. She ate three teeny tiny peaches at lunch but said her lunch made her want to throw up. The nurse explained to me that the back up of her intestines can cause that nauseous feeling and make her not want to eat.

We went to CVS to get Miralax (powdered stool softener you can mix with apple juice) per the nurse’s and pedia’s recommendation. I also found Curelle for kids, a probiotic to aid in digestive health; I take the adult version daily. In chewable form, I will make her suck that down every morning.

We got home and I mixed the Miralax with apple juice and she took less than 1/3 of it by the time the night was over. She refused peaches. She did poop. Then when it was time for (early) bed, I lay with her and then after 10 minutes she said her tummy hurt so I brought her the heating pad but you know? There’s only so much fucking sympathy I can muster when child refuses my remedies. Oh, at dinner, I did mix powdered fiber (Benefiber) with her Gogurt and she did eat that. [I almost wrote “beneful” which is a dog food. I did NOT give my child dog food, but she made me so frustrated today maybe I should have!] [Kidding, don’t call the hotline].

FML. It’s a new day tomorrow.

Also, I’m not ignoring the fact that Summar and Sapphire both had treatments scheduled today (yesterday? Both, likely) and throughout the week so my “extremely frustrating day” is nothing compared to others.

But still, can I just…

AGGGGGHHHHGHHGHGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you.

I told Sophie tomorrow morning at breakfast, she WILL eat peaches, DRINK apple juice and eat fiber yogurt. So help me God.

Jamie wanted to tell her if she didn’t do those things, we’d take her to the hospital for an enema. I told him, “We want to motivate the child, not scare her.” Sheesh.

Oh yeah, and Sophie and I did have a little chat about her comments this morning and she said she didn’t mean it and I re-affirmed my love to her and blah blah blah can this day be done?

HOW am I going to get through middle school with this child?

Oh I was SO MEAN tonight. I made her do extra math work sheets, clean her room, take a bath, put her shit away and sit and read instead of watching TV while I tried to make up for the work time I lost traveling to pick her up from school…

I Don’t Know What to do with This

This morning was horrendous. Sophie is extremely picky about her clothes and all of her shorts (she only has two that she’ll wear) are at her dad’s and so naturally there was a fit this morning EVEN THOUGH I went out of my way yesterday to pick her up some new tops, shorts and socks at Old Navy yesterday. She has PLENTY to choose from, it’s just that she doesn’t like what she has. And you know what? I don’t feel sorry for her. You know why? Because a long while ago when we were out shopping, I offered to get her favorite shorts from Justice. The ones that she has at her dad’s, that she wears all the time. She refused even though THEY WERE THE EXACT SAME SHORTS.

THEN as it started to warm up I offered to take her shopping AGAIN. She refused. I told her she was going to be a very sad girl when it’s 80 and she has no shorts to wear. Guess what? Today it’s supposed to be almost 90 and she has no shorts that she will wear. She threw a fit reminiscent of preschool when I would throw her in the car in just her diaper because she refused to get dressed (oh yes I did).

She was screaming, yelling, pulling out skorts and skirts and throwing them around her room saying, “I will NOT wear this” and I told her what I said before – that I didn’t feel sorry for her because I had offered; that she’s not being very appreciative because she has plenty to choose from and I went out of my way yesterday…and at this point, she has tears streaming down her face and snot running out of her nose and the clock is ticking away and we have 10 minutes, now five to get out of the house and I turn off the TV and go about my business packing up the car and brushing my own teeth while she carries on and she says:
You don’t love me anymore
You wish I was never born
I’m a bad kid
Santa isn’t going to bring me any presents
And she worked herself up into a frenzy so badly that she was hyperventilating – basically having a panic attack – and I tried to help her calm down by telling her to breathe in threw her nose and out threw her mouth and I gave her a towel to wipe her face and I told her that she was hurting my feelings by saying those things and where did all of these negative thoughts come from? And had I EVER EVER given her any indication whatsoever that I never wished she was born? Didn’t we just celebrate and spend a lovely mother’s day together where I told you as I tell you often that I love you always and forever no matter what and that I will always forgive you and that being your mom is the best job I’ve ever had and that I could have not asked for a better daughter??

What else can I do?

I am sure exhaustion played a role in this morning’s debacle as she is still recovering from weekend activities and she had a baseball game last night which made getting to sleep a bit later than usual but really, what else can I do? How else can I PROVE to her that I love her no matter what and that she is awesome? Is the virus she had last week still lingering in her system as well?

I did this to my mom too. WHY does she have to be so much like me?

Sophie even said to me the other day: “Mom, do you ever have negative thoughts and no matter how hard you try to push them away they just keep coming back?” Yes, yes I do.

On the car ride to school, she said she felt like she was going to throw up. I taught her the breathing trick again. We rolled down the windows. She said it wasn’t helping. I told her to sip some water, calm down and she’ll feel better.

And now MY stomach is upset.

I took the junky snack out of her lunch for throwing the fit (and told her so) and then I stuck a second note in her lunchbox: “I love you always, no matter what.”

Heart hurting.

Happy Mother’s Day to Me!

My car had been making funny noises. I made Jeff drive it a couple of weeks ago and he said I better get it checked out before my engine blew up. So I took it to the shop on Thursday and it is a place I trust; someone my neighbor has been going to for 20 years.

When I hopped in my car that morning, my odometer read 131313. I hoped it wasn’t a bad sign. I tried to tell myself “It’s only a sign if you think it’s a sign.”

But it must have been a sign. The shop told me that my timing belt was going along with other belts that all needed replaced. That plus I already knew I needed 2 new tires in the near future. Plus I’ve had a cracked windshield for eons (but it wasn’t going into the driver’s side so I never bothered to fix it). Plus my air bag light was on. So, if I were to fix all of that, we are talking $2k. The timing belt itself is $1k. Apparently the timing belt is connected to the engine and can actually, as Jeff said, make your engine blow up (eventually) if you ignore it.

So, I talked to Jeff and he and I agreed. I didn’t want to put that kind of money into a car that had 131k+ miles even though if I had, it could have run for another 3 years. Or something else could have gone wrong – you just never know.

So on Friday night, Jeff and I went to see his friend and neighbor at the Hyundai dealership and I traded in my 2006 Santa Fe for this 2011 Veracruz:

Jeff LOVES this car and is already trying to steal it from me. This car has less than 18k miles on it and has black leather interior plus sunroof. It has third row seating to seat up to 7. Plenty of room for me, Jeff, the kids, the dog and all of our stuff to head to the lake or on other road trips. This will be the car I use to get to and from work and it will be the “family car” – the car we use if we are traveling with the children.

I got a ridiculously good deal on it and I am so happy!

I plan to drive it for the next 10 years (*fingers crossed*).

Bug Guy

Me: Sophie, remind me that I need to call the bug guy tomorrow.

Sophie: You mean the exterminator?

Me: Yeah.

Sophie: Mom, you should really know big words like that.

***

I had been seeing these bugs come into my house last week. They looked like flying ants. You know what else looks like flying ants? Termites. So I saw one, two…then three, four. They were coming in every time I opened the sliding glass door to let the dog in or out. And it happened day after day so I flashed back to 2008 when I had termites – at exactly this time of year.

Thankfully I got the house checked out and I am termite-free. The guys were really nice; I had asked for a recommendation on facebook and got a good one.

I’ve only seen one of these bugs since.

Whew – crisis averted!

Things My Daughter Says

I tried on my wedding dress for Mom, Sophie and Tom on Sunday. They loved it. Tom asked me if I could dance in it and I said "for sure" and demonstrated. That's when Sophie pointed her finger at me and said, "Oh no. Don't do that. I'm going to teach you how to dance before your wedding."

Room in Progress

Sophie’s new room, in progress:

This bed is my childhood bed and had been in my parents’ guest room. It is LARGE because it has a footboard too which I'd rather not have but it's the only way right now to keep the bed level. Sophie’s new room at Jeff’s house is slightly bigger than her current but right now she only has a twin bed so it looks bigger. We felt as if this bed (full size/double) took up the whole room but Sophie loves it and slept in for like the second time in her life until 7:30am the first night sleeping in it (Saturday).

Jeff painted the entire room AND the trim himself. Now we just have to paint the closet doors and door to her room, and get new doorknobs for each. Or, we need to take OFF the closet doors and put a curtain instead. The closet doors open out. 

I wish they were mirrored but apparently mirrored doors like we have now are “so 1970” someone mentioned on Pinterest. I like them though because it makes the room look bigger, and you always have a full-length mirror to check yourself out in:)

As her new room progresses, I will take more pics though basically there will only be room for her dresser and area rug. I know you can't really tell how small/big it is in the first pic...

Here’s more pics of her current (and messy) room. Her little rocking chair in the corner is adorable but she has outgrown it. Too bad you can’t see it due to all the clothes piled on top.

Also, yes she wants to take every piece of artwork from her current wall into the new room. And…my daughter is a hoarder – have you ever SEEN a dresser top so full of crap? No, I don’t dust it nuh uh not ever. I’m not moving all that shit are you kidding me? Besides, one of her little ‘treasures’ might fall in the process and then I’d never hear the end of it.

We have more work to do in my house and Jeff’s house of course. His basement is semi-finished: it has carpet and a living area and a painted ceiling but the beams are still exposed and there is no dry wall. I would love to put up dry wall as you can’t hang pictures – or mount the big HD TV my parents got us for Christmas – to concrete. Step by step, that’s all we can do…

Prairie Day

Sophie’s second grade class has been reading “Little House on the Prairie” and she has become obsessed. I too LOVED these books and the show when I was her age; I just remember some episodes were sad and I cried.

Anyway, today is Sophie’s Prairie Day at school where the class will spend part of the day in a one-room school house that we are fortunate enough to have in our little town (we have two, actually). This is a picture of the school house; this is Sophie’s BFF Amelia standing in front:

Grandma Sue (Jamie’s mom) worked hard on Sophie’s apron and bonnet. Part of the deal is you are supposed to be “authentic” and pack your lunch in a basket or pail, just like they did back then. Also, you are not supposed to use plastic or baggies or anything like that. Sophie is taking this all VERY seriously.

When I suggested she used her American Girl Doll Addy’s little lunch pail, she said: “Mom, you KNOW how TINY that thing is. Come on. You’re smarter than that.”

Jamie sent me this photo this morning:

Sophie has taken to “interviewing” me in the car and recording our “interviews” with my phone. She asked me all kinds of questions about what it was like “way back” when I was growing up and what was different. I told her about something called a “record player” and how our phones used to have CORDS and all kinds of other “horrific” things:) Then she asked me, “Mom, did you go to school in a one-room schoolhouse?” Oh dear child I am not nearly that old thank you very much. Papa did though! He was valedictorian of his class. His class of 6.

I Said Yes to the Dress!

My mom and Sophie still haven’t seen me in person in this dress. But as soon as I showed my mom the picture, she too became obsessed with the dress. She told me I HAD to buy that dress. I got the same reaction from everybody I texted the pics to: JF said, “You’re not going to find anything better than that.” KH said, “THAT is your dress!” Only problem is Sophie doesn’t like the style.

When we went shopping on Saturday, I tried on many more dresses. I tried on a couple in the same style that Sophie still didn’t like. I tried one on that had the same style in the front but nothing going on in the back and when I looked at the picture, my butt looked as big as an elephant’s, which is weird because I don’t really have a butt.

After shopping, my mom surprised me by handing me enough cash to purchase the dress, which is 50% off because I’m buying it off the rack. I talked to Sophie about it again and she became okay with it. I think she will like it once she sees me in it in person.

So…the big reveal:

One more thing taken care of! Now I can concentrate on the move!

Perfect Mother's Day Gift

Looking for that perfect mother's day gift? How about the "Strength" necklace by Nashelle? Proceeds go to the Ruelle family. I get compliments every single time I wear it (which is often!) Comes in silver and gold. Click here to order yours.

School Pic, Spring 2013, Second Grade

April 26 was Sophie's 1/2 birthday which means that in 6 months, I will have a NINE year old. What the...? How'd that happen so fast? :) In this picture, she looks 12 to me.

She brings me so much joy every single day; she is the person who can always brighten up my mood; she's my #1 and being her mom is my favorite job in the whole wide world!